My story, in the Raw.

This is going to be a long read, so buckle up!

When I started on this journey in 2015, I never in a million years thought that fitness would become such a passion of mine…let alone be a certified personal trainer! We are all on our own journeys, but in this blog post I wanted to share my story. Not because it’s super graceful. But because it’s realistic. It’s raw. And I want you to know that you can achieve your goals if you truly want to!

I grew up in Winston-Salem, NC. I was an athletic child. In fact, you could probably name a sport and chances are I competed in it for at least one season.

I was never in the gym though. By the time I got to high school, I was only swimming and playing soccer…and the weight room wasn’t really a big focus. Fast forward to college (shout out to UNC-Wilmington and my fellow seahawks!) and the athletic competing ceased pretty much altogether.

I was overly focused on not gaining the “freshman 15” and I avoided carbs on the regular to do so. By my Junior year, after a few years of drinking and eating out, I discovered the "gym life". I was there for two hours a day, five - six days a week.

I had a friend that had given me a workout split and I was doing about 45 minutes of cardio after each workout...overtraining, to say the least. But I was also the leanest I had ever been. I didn’t have a lot of muscle, just toned…

All throughout college, I was in a volatile relationship. It had been that way from the beginning when we met during my freshman year. Reflecting back on those times, when we were together I tended to make poor life choices. We broke up several times while I was in school, and it was always during that time apart where I was able to get back to being the best version of myself. After school, and when we got back together about 6 months after graduating, we moved in together. When I graduated in 2007, and the real world started to show its true colors, everything changed. My routine was rocked by working a full-time job and trying to maintain a relationship and social life that I had grown accustomed to. I let everything go. Honestly, I was only happy about 60% of the time in my relationship and my self-esteem and self-confidence had started to suffer. So, fast-forward several years of this “letting myself go” …

It’s 2015. I am legally married. (I say it that way because we got married in May 2013 and not even a year had passed before we had separated and he had moved home to Louisiana). We had reconciled and I had just moved to Louisiana. At this point, we were struggling to make an 11-year relationship work, but none of the “pieces” were fitting together. There were glimpses of hope that I would latch on to every now and then, but they were just that…glimpses. I had moved to LA at the end of 2014 without a savings, a job, a place to live, etc. I walked into the bank branch down the road to open a bank account and in talking with the Assistant Branch manager about my past work experience, she encouraged me to apply at her location for a banker position. I started my new job with the bank in February 2015. Having a regular salary again helped with some of the stress. We were able to get an apartment ($700/month) but we continued to make poor financial choices. He was a functioning alcoholic so he wasn't able to keep a job for a significant period of time. The financial burden was entirely on my shoulders.

We had nothing of material value between the two of us – no real estate, no liquidity, and we were struggling to make ends meet. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it definitely makes living a little easier. As it goes, money troubles were a big part of our marital issues. So in 2015, we filed for joint bankruptcy. This was not something I did lightly and was extremely ashamed when I tried to explain to my parents that I didn’t have any other options. I had a 7-day uninsured hospital stay from when I first moved to LA, a car note I couldn’t afford (not including his), and an ungodly amount of maxed out credit card debt that we (together) had incurred and were making minimum payments just be able to use the cards to buy groceries. On top of the financial stress, I was in a marriage that was emotionally, verbally, and, at times, physically abusive. I was so far away from my support system (all my family was back in the Carolinas) and I was too ashamed of, what I considered my own weakness, for being treated that way to ever tell my family the truth. The names I was called during that 11-year relationship tore down my self-confidence, my self-esteem, and my self-worth. I felt like I was at rock bottom…at least, my rock bottom.

Once the bankruptcy was discharged, I actually felt like I could finally breath. The weight of indebtedness (of any kind) can be so burdensome. This was the first point of my rebirth. This is where my fitness journey really started. You see, having your husband tell you that you’re disgusting and repulsive…well, it either motivates you or it breaks you down. When infidelity comes into play, and you’re told it’s your fault because of how much you weigh, well…it breaks you down into an empty shell. And you can probably imagine, marriage counseling doesn’t really work if only one person shows up.

I do wholeheartedly believe in therapy. And marriage counseling quickly became individual counseling. Through all of this turmoil and self-analysis, I discover that I am an emotional eater. I probably knew it, but didn't see or accept how bad it was. Food comforts me, even to this day. The real epiphany came hand in hand with the abuse bringing me down. You see, I believed I “got back” at him with every super-sized Big Mac meal from McDonalds that I consumed…some multiple times a day. It was extremely unhealthy, and not just physically. However, through my therapy sessions, I realized that all I was really doing was hurting myself. I wanted to be better. I wanted to change, for myself. I now understood that all of the times in the past, when I tried to force the "gym life" into my world, I was doing it because I thought it would make him happier…and in turn, make me happier. My past has turned me into a big proponent that if you aren’t doing it entirely for yourself, it won’t stick. Your “WHY” can’t be “to lead by example”, to do it “for your spouse” or “for your kids”, etc. It could be to “stay healthy enough to be around for your loved ones”. But ultimately, the “WHY” has to be you “choosing YOU”. But I digress…

Okay, let’s fast-forward another year. It April 2016. Nothing has changed in the marriage. I’ve given up on it, as most women will do when they have exhausted all of their energy. I think I weighed in close to 190lbs and my body fat was 35% (I even still have my initial measurements).

It was time to change. It was time to start choosing ME. I filed for divorce and joined the local gym (where I already had a family membership with my ex but never used it). This is the part of the story where the phoenix rises, but before we get to that, I do have to make a short shout-out to the place (and people) that has forever left a lasting impact on my life.

Red Lerille’s Health and Racquet Club…or as the locals call it, Reds…was more than just a gym. It was a home away from home. In terms of a facility, it has everything you could ever dream of having from a gym. From indoor heated lap pools, multiple weight rooms (including a women’s only weight room), huge cardio area, a stretching room, yoga studio rooms, Pilates and other classrooms, a boxing ring, basketball court with indoor track, cold-plunge pool, saunas and hot tubs, etc. On top of that, it had a full kitchen/cafe (with healthy prepped food serving breakfast, lunch, and dinner), a juice/coffee bar, childcare, racquetball courts, and a merch corner and as essentially 24-hours (as in, they close for 5 hours to clean every night). This place is every health-nut’s dream! So naturally, I felt extremely out of place walking in to see about getting my membership.

Red Lerille is a real person. Also a native from Louisiana, Red won the titles of Mr. America/Mr. Universe in 1960. The history of his dream is detailed on the gym’s website, and it’s a fascinating read if you have the time. https://redlerilles.com/history/ In any event, when I walked in to get a membership, I was unaware that my ex had not been paying the bill. Red gets to the gym at 3am and works out before the real crowd shows up, so after that he can usually be found around the front desk or in his office. On this day, he was at the front desk. He could see my embarrassment and shock when I found out about the delinquency. I explained to him my financial and marital situation, and he chose kindness over greed. He offered to give me my own separate membership without having me be responsible for the past-due charges and waived the $200 registration fee, as long as I would keep my account in good standing (which included the $55 monthly membership and any merch/food charges I applied to my card). I honestly believe he saw how bad I wanted to change and gave me a clean slate to do so.

So, here I am at my heaviest weight in my life, in a gym I’d barely sat foot in up to this point, surrounded by “gym rats” who never skip leg day…or any day for that matter! Out of my element is an understatement. I tried to be as invisible as possible. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I definitely didn’t want to be in anyone’s way. I knew some basic exercises from my brief fitness run in college, but I knew nothing about weight load, rep ranges, rest time…or how these things play into a successful training program. I reached out to my friend from college for another work-out split, just to get me started. Knowing me from college, and seeing me where I was now, well...it was a shock for him. I also knew absolutely nothing about nutrition. I started out like so many people do, full-body circuits, some machines, eating low calories and eliminating a significant portion of my carb intake.

Another bonus to Red’s is that it is the best and largest gym in the area. With the hours of operation, it was convenient for me to work out before work. Remember, I had chosen ME, so being on my own allowed me to adapt a new routine. I was in bed by 9:30pm and I was up at 4:30am to be at the gym by 5:00. I would workout, do some cardio, and hit the showers…ready for work by 7:00 or 8:00 depending on what my schedule required. Working out in the early morning hours meant that I was surrounded by like-minded dedicated individuals. These were the people who competed on stage for body building and physique. I learned a lot by “mirror stalking” these people and mimicking the exercises they were doing. For the first year and a half, that’s how my journey went.

Then one day, it changed for me. I remember this moment vividly. One of the girls that was in prep for her next figure competition approached me while I was doing triceps pushdowns on the cable machine. Naturally, I assumed she wanted to work in, so I gestured to the rack to acknowledge that she could use it. She waved me off and removed her headphones. What she said to me changed my life.

“I just wanted to tell you that I see you. You’ve been coming in every morning for over a year busting your ass, and your transformation and dedication is such an inspiration”.

I was floored. Speechless. I didn’t know how to respond, but my eyes made the choice for me as they swelled up with tears. Even writing this now, I’m emotional. It wasn’t the words she said (although that was a kindness). It was the fact that she made it a point to acknowledge me…just an average person trying to live a healthier lifestyle. It was the fact that she knew absolutely nothing about me or my story, but had the draw to speak to me. She had no idea what kind of impact she would have on me. Honestly, I hadn’t physically changed that much from my perspective. Maybe I’d lost 15-20 pounds (but they do say that you’re the last person to see it). And at this point, I had plateaued and couldn’t figure out how to break that weight barrier. She introduced herself to me and offered to help me with anything I might need. What she truly gifted me with was self-confidence.

From that day forward, I stopped trying to be invisible, and started to be seen. I made sure I was more approachable to the people that were morning regulars. It was nice to be accounted for. When I changed my work-out split to include an off-day mid-week, it made me feel special to have people say “missed seeing you yesterday” or just having them check on me to make sure I'm okay if I'd take a vacation and miss a week. I’d ask these bodybuilders for lifting advice, or a spot. They were sharing nutrition advice with me to help me break through my plateau. (GUESS WHAT, eat more carbs was the answer!!! ) I added new supplements to my routine and took others out. I made bonds and friendships that would ultimately help define my newfound inner strength.

What did this all do for my personal life? Well, the self-confidence I had acquired and developed from the gym helped me realize that when you want something to change you either 1) have to make a change (if in your control), or 2) ask for something to be different. I had been working with a bank since 2015. I was in my second position, doing more back-office related work and underutilizing my skills and education. One day, I decided to take my future into my own hands. I walked into the underwriting manager’s office and asked her what I needed to do to move into that role. The two requirements to be considered were a bachelor’s degree and some accounting classes. Well, my business degree required accounting courses…so the next step was to wait for an opening. That happened sooner than I expected, and within 3 months of that first conversation, I was working under her as an underwriter for private client (wealthy clients) personal loans.

I continued to focus on work and my gym life. I didn’t need a social life and I didn’t feel a draw to the area anymore without my connection through my ex-husband. I had my “fit fam” and that was good enough. My co-workers knew my dedication. When it was time to change out the water jug in the gravity cooler, I was beckoned for the heavy lifting. After a few months in this position, I found myself back in my manager’s office. This time, I had a much bigger request. I knew we had recently opened up some locations in the Carolina’s. I simply told her that when that market grew big enough and needed a full-time underwriter, I was willing to relocate (even at my own expense). At this point, getting back to my roots, my familial support system, etc. was a huge goal. She acknowledged my request (this was in February of 2018). By June of 2018, I had sold or given away almost all of my belongings and was on my way to Greenville, SC...in the best shape of my life since high school. I had lost 35 pounds and dropped my body fat down to 23%.

Now, the process of this relocation required some in-market interviewing prior to moving. One of the first things I had done in my free-time during that 3-day stay was find a gym. I went to two gyms and discussed membership options, toured the facilities, and did some workouts. I refused to let myself fall of this wagon that I had been on for so long at this point. Nothing compared to Red’s (and I don’t imagine anything ever will). The goodbyes were bittersweet, but I knew enough now to be able to establish a “fit fam” in any gym…and I made friends quickly once I got settled.

You probably think that’s the end of my story? Sorry…I told you this would be raw…and it’s not over yet. I stayed in touch with those friends from Louisiana. One of my friends had decided his competition days were over, but he wanted to inspire others and was working on getting his PT certification (shout out to Kevin Miller aka. ironman). Kevin is an amputee and competes in bodybuilding with a prosthetic leg. He encouraged me to pursue mine as well. He explained the process and what organization to use, and I got started. It wasn’t easy. Due to my schedule, I had chosen an all-online approach. It was great because I could study at my own pace. The downfall was, I had a deadline before the course would expire. Six months to complete two courses (I’m an over-achiever and thought that personal training and nutrition coaching would serve me better to have both under my belt…plus the courses were offered as a discount). The catch was, I couldn’t start the nutrition course until I had completed and passed the exam for the PT course. Needless to say, I finished both courses by summer of 2019!

Now, how and where can I use this certification?! That was the big question. The gym that I was training in had interest in me working for them, but when I found out that all of my clients would have to do the same workout and same meal plan, well…I just couldn’t get behind that science. I know from experience that we are all individually unique and cookie cutter plans don’t work for everyone, and I don’t personally believe they are healthy. The answer to WHERE was taken out of my hands shortly after because, as we are all too familiar now, Covid happened at the end of 2019. Every gym in America was impacted, as well as the personal training industry AND people’s fitness journeys. I bought some cheap “home gym” stuff to stay in shape myself, but I wasn’t motivated. I was in a new relationship and was enjoying the dating aspect of being "wined and dined". Long story short, I fell off the gym wagon in the Spring of 2020…but it didn’t really catch up to me until Christmas of 2021….so basically, two years of dabbling in exercising and not focusing as much on my nutrition. By now, I had moved to Cashiers full-time and I had started building a personal training clientele through the local Rec Center. But honestly, I hadn’t made the changes myself.

I’m human just like anyone else, and my track record is volatile. I did not like the way I looked in the mirror, I did not like the way that my clothes fit (or the fact that I was having to buy bigger sizes), and I refused to get on the scale. When I finally committed to re-started my journey (January 2022), I was 185lbs. How can a client trust me to help them when I’m not even helping myself!? I knew that I had fallen all the way back to where I was five years earlier, and I was overwhelmed with guilt and knowing the work that it would take to get remotely back to that girl from 2019 (I was lean at 149 pounds). I made the decision to do something about it. I sought out help from friends and my fit fam for the things I needed support with (basically accountability). I was back to my regimented routine of weekly meal prepping, focused training (even when I didn’t want to go), and the longer I worked towards my goals, the more change I could see. In a year and 5 months, I was back to where I was before covid, 150 pounds, a 29" waist, and 19% body fat.

Ignore the hair-do (heatless curler!)

My goal has never been to be jacked, or ripped, or cut. It's never really been to be lean, but that's just an awesome side effect. I want to feel healthy. I want to be able to exert energy without being winded easily. I want to hike without needing long periods of rest. I want to be active. I don't want to constantly feel in pain because my muscles are too underdeveloped to handle basic movements.

The point of this story is to share my truth. In the raw. My life has not been a super glorious one. But it also hasn’t been a total train wreck. The truth is, life is what we make it. We will all have obstacles (of varying degrees of difficulty to get through). Do you take the obstacle and turn it into an opportunity for growth and improvement, or do you let it become a broken link in who you are?! You may ask how this plays into fitness. Well, I’m a testament to how your mental health impacts your overall health. It impacts decisions that affect your health – drinking (or drug usage) to ignore problems, unhealthy eating habits that only spiral further and further out of control until the way back seems unimaginable, giving someone the power to beat you down (literally and figuratively) will usually result in negative self-talk and you’ll just continue those habits on yourself. Your fitness journey and effort in those goals is one way to show self-love and treat yourself the way you deserve. You only get one body in this life, it’s important that we take care of it (and everything inside of it!).

I haven't reached my end goal, and I accept that every day I have to make a choice for a healthier lifestyle through diet, physical activity, mindfulness, etc. I do hope that if you’ve read this blog in its entirety, that you feel a sense of “I can do this”...especially if you’re thinking nothing works or you feel like you're struggling to make a dent in a goal. Remember that change does not happen over night…only through repetition can change really occur. It’s a slow growth, but each day in the right direction is one day closer to achieving the goal! It’s also important to remember that it's called a fitness "journey" for a reason. We will all have moments of ups and downs…it’s the choice to get back up that will make the difference. Give yourself grace if something else takes priority – but don’t let it become an excuse. Every day we are making choices on how we live. We do have that control.

I’m feel the pull to end this blog with a memorial, and I am heart-broken to write this. There are so many people that I consider to be a part of my “fit fam”, near and far. There are two that are no longer with us, and I’d like to pay tribute to them because they had such big impacts on my own fitness journey.

Christy Jackson was one of the first friends I met/made when I joined Red’s. She was in a similar place in her fitness journey, and we worked together to learn our way around the gym. She was a compassionate friend and was there for me through the darkness I went through with my ex. I recall many morning locker room conversations through the end of my marriage and even after as I attempted to date. A lot of laughs and tears, hair product reviews, some dinners out and even a few hikes. Christy recently lost her battle with cancer. She was diagnosed with breast cancer about 3 years ago. I was so happy to see she was in remission at the end of 2022. Earlier this spring, she started to have seizures and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was operable and that was the plan. She was never able to stabilize enough to have the surgery before she passed away. She was a beautiful soul and a fabulous friend…she was a year younger than me, and taken way too soon!

I met Daniel Quattlebaum when I moved to Greenville, SC. He was a bodybuilder who earned his IFBB pro card a few years after I met him. He was one of the friendliest faces in the gym, even though his build was intimidating. He was readily available and often provided me nutrition and cardio guidance, as well as pushing me in the weight room. And he was always available to spot you, regardless of who you were. In fact, on my recent post-covid weight-loss journey, I had engaged him to coach me through a plateau to hit my goal before my recent surgery. We worked together for about 7 months and hit my goal the week before!! I had reached out with a new goal once I got clearance from my surgeon to return to my regular training routine and was confused when I didn’t hear back. A google search solidified my bad feeling. He passed away at the end of May (3 weeks after my surgery) from injuries sustained in a motor vehicle accident...he was 50 years old.

These two people never fully understood the impact they had on my life, and I hate that I didn’t take the time to express that gratitude. Life is short, make the most of it…and always spread love!